BLEACH: BEHIND THE SCENES
by Celcees
Summary: A collections of shorts depicting the random stuff that wasn't shown in the series. May contain kon stupidity, soul searching kuchikis, ichiruki moments, renji idiocy, etc.... this is a spin off of my story "Things That Go Bump in the Night" please read!
1. Chap 1 Kons Revenge?

**CHAPTER 1: Kon's Revenge?**

It was time…

Revenge was imminent…

Kon vowed that Ichigo would suffer under the weight of his sins…

He had kept him from Nee-san for far too long

Kon was currently lurking under the bed in the young kurosaki's room, glowering at the unsuspecting shinigami as he did his home work.

'_yes_', thought kon, '_soon my nemesis… soon…_' his beady eyes flashed menacingly.

Ichigo shivered as he felt something sinister in the air, but shrugged it off as stray breeze, and returned to his studying. Kon, feeling that this was his chance, grabbed the razor he had prepared and lunged out from underneath the bead and charged with righteous fury at ichigo, intending to inflict the most heinous of bald spots on the back of ichgo's cranium.

Meanwhile, Ichigo had just finished his reading and decided to throw the large English book over his shoulder haphazardly and exit his room for some lunch.

Kon watched with fear as the book arched toward him spiraling through the air with doom in its wake. Kon smirked and rolled out off the way and promptly smashed into a book case witch ejected its contents onto his plushy body.

Hearing the loud commotion Ichigo turned around to witness kon's misfortune.

"Kon, what the hell are you doing?" he asked, annoyed.

Kon jumped up and pointed furiously at ichigo.

"Ha, That was a good tactic, but you shall not defeat me so easil- ARGH!!!!!"

Ichigo cut him off by punting him out the open window and grunting

"Stupid plush, messing up my room." He said as he picked up the books and placed them on his desk.

He scowled even more and stomped off to get some lunch.

Kon lay face down in the mud. One could almost imagine it bubbling with his fury

YOU.

WILL.

PAY.

He vowed.

* * *

Kon was holding his position on a shelf on the wall near the stair case. He had been waiting for an hour for his chance to strike. He tensed as Ichigo's door opened and Ichigo entered the hallway and moved towards the stairs.

His plan was perfect.

He would jump out and surprise Ichigo, who would then fall down the stairs. Rukia would be drawn by the commotion and would see Ichigo in his humiliated state.

Kon Leapt like a tiger charging it's prey as Ichigo approached the stair case.

Kon could feel his success.

Just then Ishin kurosaki, who had been waiting behind the bathroom door, entered his trajectory.

*****************

Ishin could feel his success.

Just then something hit the side of his face and he stumbled in surprise.

Then he screamed in terror as he fell down the stairs, at the bottom of which he and kon landed in a heap.

Ichigo blinked and then continued down the stairs as if nothing had happened.

***********

Rukia, who had snuck downstairs and was eating strawberries, heard loud noises and Ishin screaming like a girl. She arrived near the stairs just in time to see Ichigo kick Kon who ricocheted off the wall and into a nearby trash can.

She looked back towards Ichigo who was now facing her.

"You're eating strawberries again?" he asked

She smiled and said "I love strawberries!"

"NO!", Shouted Kon, "How could you pick _him_ over me!?"

They ignored him.

"I like strawberries on top of short cake" said Ichigo

Kon ran away sobbing

"Yeah keep up with your innuendoes! You freaks!"

Rukia and Ichigo deadpanned in the sudden uncomfortable silence.

THE END


	2. Chap 2 Its THAT Time of the Decade?

Just another idea I've had for a while… I thought it was pretty funny this would prolly take place shortly after the sealed sword frenzy OVA. Hope you like it!

DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN SHIT!!!

CHAPTER 2: Oh god… its THAT Time of the… Decade?

One Morning, Ichigo Kurosaki awoke and immediately realized something was wrong.

Very wrong.

It was almost like someone was watchin-

" GAAAH! " He yelled, standing up on his bed and flattening himself against the wall.

Rukia was standing right next to his bed glaring at him.

She was boring holes in his face with her eyes.

"It's about damn time you woke up, Ichigo!" Rukia barked at him.

"uh-" Ichigo began but was cut off.

"Yuzu's NOT here today, so YOU need to go and make us breakfast! NOW!" Rukia ordered.

Now, normally, Ichigo would just smirk and tell the midget to stop bossing him around cause he was taller than her. But the only part of his brain that wasn't paralyzed with fear at immense amount of, _evil,_ coming from Rukia's gaze, was telling him to shut the fuck up and act like a pussy or he was going to DIE!

"O-okay-" But he was cut off again

"SHIT! Fine _I'll_ do it then… DUMBASS!" Rukia yelled.

She kicked him in the shin, causing him to fall of the bed and land flat on his face.

Rukia stormed out of the room leaving devastation in her wake.

Ichigo lay on the floor stunned. "What the… hell?" he asked.

"That was nothing…" said a voice.

Ichigo looked toward s the corner to see a ripped and torn Kon sitting in the fetal position.

"You didn't see what I went through!" Yelled Kon.

Kon grabbed his head and yelled like a maniac.

"MAKE IT STOP!!!! AAAARGHHH!!!!" He yelled and jumped THROUGH the bedroom window.

"… gulp" Ichigo paled in fear as he wondered what was wrong with Rukia…

Just then Renji decided to poke his pineapple head through the, now broken, window.

"What's up, Strawberry? " he asked curiously inspecting the broken window.

Ichigo looked down. "I don't know… there's something up with Rukia…"

He said slowly.

Renji's face drained of color.

"What do you mean?" he asked as his voice cracked.

"Was there this look in her eye's that told you to act like a bitch or you would die?" Renji asked.

"Yeah!" said Ichigo "So you know whats wrong with her?"

"Oh shit I gotta- uh… go!" said Renji, attempting to escape.

"WAIT!" yelled Ichigo, as he grabbed Renji and yanked him through the window, and dragged him into the hallway.

"If there's something wrong with Rukia we need to help her!" exclaimed Ichigo, shaking Renji.

Renji sighed. "Ok. So heres the deal, you know how women have that, you know, ' _that time of the month' _thing?" he asked

Ichigo nodded blushing slightly. "Yeah but I've known Rukia for a while now, and I've never seen her act like this…" he said

"Well," said Renji, "Because we age slower our body functions are also slower… so Rukia has her, er- period, about once a decade…" Renji explained.

"…"

"Oh…" said Ichigo

Then they heard Rukia coming up the stairs.

'_Oh shit_!' They thought and curled up against the wall in fear as Rukia walked right past them into the bathroom.

They didn't dare move, even as they heard the shower turn on.

They stayed where they were, until they heard the shower turn off.

"Ichigo?" rukia called out softly…

Ichigo made to get up but was stopped by Renji. "Don't do it! She may sound sweet now, but she can just as easily rip off your head at any second!" whispered Renji.

"But she sounds like she needs my help…" said Ichigo as he approached the bathroom.

"Whatever," said Renji, "It's your funeral…"

Renji ran into Ichigo's room and jumped out the window.

Ichigo stopped outside the bathroom door. "What do you need Rukia?" he asked carefully.

"Ichigo, it won't stop. It won't stop coming out…" she said faintly.

Ichigo blushed and went rigid. "O-okay I'll go to the store and get something to stop it!" he said quickly and ran as fast as he could to the store.

**************

Ichigo stood in the convenience next to Hanataro who somehow worked there.

Why are there so many kinds he said looking at the shelf of women's health care products.

"… I don't know," said Hanataro, "this isn't really my area of expertise…" he finished nervously.

Ichigo Sighed and grabbed a random box of tampons and approached the counter, embarrassedly.

**************

Ichigo walked up to the bathroom and knocked.

Rukia opened the door and poked her head out.

He handed her the tampons.

"Here." He said

She retreated into the bathroom

"…"

"…."

"You okay in there?" he asked

"ummm… how… exactly do you use these?" she asked

"Well, uh…" began Ichigo

'_damn I should have got the pads instead…' _thought Ichigo

* * *

Mean while, Ishin Kurosaki was outside the house planning his next attack on Ichigo, when he heard;

"You want me to put THIS in my _WHAT?!_"

And then many other loud noises, including screaming and grunting and many booms and bangs.

"Teeheehee!" giggled Ishin," you're finally becoming a man, my son! MASAKI! GRANDCHILDREN!!!!!!

He yelled, startling the neighbors.

THE END

O M G!!! PLEASE REVIEW!!!!! I'LL GIVE YOU A KITTEN!!!!!!


	3. Chap 3 Energize Me Baby!

DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN BLEACH!!!!

CHAPTER 3: Energize Me Baby

Ichigo was doing his home work.

Or he was _trying_ to do his home work.

He was mostly attempting to ignore the midget who was currently napping on his bed. Lately she had taken to staying up and watching TV… WAY too much TV… She watched everything. Soap Operas, anime, movies, music videos, hell she even paid attention to the commercials!

He didn't mind her taking naps… but why the HELL did she have to sleep on HIS bed… she has her OWN FUKING ROOM!!! ARGH!

'_Anyway, back to work…_' Thought Ichigo, as he bent back over his work.

**********

(WITH RUKIA)

Rukia was walking through a forest. There were florescent butterflies all over the place, and the moon was high in the sky casting ample yet eerie light over the forest.

Rukia continued to walk through the forest until she realized something odd….

She was wearing a big drum of some sort and had a drum stick in each hand

…

AND her HANDS!

They were pink and fluffy and had no fingers!

'_hmmm_' she thought.

She looked around and saw a lake nearby.

She meandered towards the shore and peered in. She inspected her reflection.

She was some sort of toy-ish looking bi-pedal bunny with sunglasses on…

Hmm weird she thought.

She suddenly she had the urge to play her drum. So she did.

'pon' 'pan' 'pon'…..

* * *

Ichigo groaned as he looked back at the raven haired girl.

She had started whispering "Pon, paan, pooooon…" in her sleep…

"RRRRGH!!!" Ichigo grunted, and doubled his efforts to ignore her.

*********

'Pon' 'pan' 'pon' 'pan' 'pon'….

Rukia continued to play her drum.

'Pon' 'pan' 'pon' 'pan' 'pon'….

'Pon' 'pan' 'pon' 'pan' 'pon'….

She began to feel sluggish….

Her drumming slowed

'Pon' 'pan'

'Pon' 'pan'

* * *

"paaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnn……" rukia drawled out in her sleep.

Ichigo began to bang his head on his desk.

'thunk' 'thonk' 'thunk' 'thonk' …

* * *

Rukia could no long swing her arms, and stopped beating the drum.

"Looks like you could use some help" said a gruff voice.

She turned to see a black and silver cylinder standing near her.

It had on a scowling expression and was topped with a shock of orange hair.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"Who do you think? Baka…" said the cylinder

"Oh Ichigo… its you…" She slurred.

"Hey I can give your pep back!" exclaimed Ichigo.

"How? Why?" asked Bunny-Rukia

"That's easy! I'm an Energizer! It's what I do!" said Ichigo proudly, turning to the side to show his label.

"See, I'm a battery!" he said.

"Oh, so how do you help me?" she asked

"Well I just take out the old battery in your back and hop in myself." explained Ichigo.

"Well let's do that then." she said turning to lake so she could watch him do it.

"Yeah" agreed Ichigo, who opened a zipper on rukia's back and reached in.

He tugged and pulled out another cylinder with red hair and black inscriptions all over it…

"Sorry, Renji this is what you get for being a generic brand…" Ichigo said as he tossed the now useless Renji into the lake.

*****************

Ichigo was once again distracted by knocking on his window. He turned to see Renji sliding his window up…

"Yo, Ichigo" he said

"What do you want stupid pineapple?" asked the annoyed Kurosaki.

He got up and walked to stand next to his bed facing the window.

"Did you come here to abandon me in my time of need again?" He asked sarcastically.

"Hey that was-" began Renji

Rukia suddenly sat up in the bed, half asleep.

She looked from Ichigo to Renji with lidded eyes.

Then she looked back at Ichigo.

"ne, ne, Ichigo?" began Rukia, "Renji's useless. Hurry up and get inside me."

Ichigo choked.

Renji gaped and slipped from the window to the ground below.

Rukia yawned and returned to her previous position.

Ichigo slowly returned to his seat at his desk.

He resumed impacting his head against the desk.

'Thunk' 'Thonk' 'Thunk' 'Thonk'

THE END

Hope you liked it! REVIEW! REMEMBER KITTENS ALSO LOVE REVIEWS! …. KITTENS!!!!!


	4. Chap 4 Keep out of Reach of Shinigami

Here's my newest chapter this one is a little more serious. I'm not completely sure im done with this one but im gonna post it anyway so if you see a revised longer version of this published later,

don't be surprised :)

anyways enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: I have no owning of teh bleach!

CHAPTER 4: Keep out of the reach of shinigami

Rukia was alone.

Ichigo and his family had gone on a 'Kurosaki Family Trip to The Beach'. Of course Ishin had told Rukia she could come, seeing as she was to be the mother of his grandchildren. Ichigo had then kicked him in the head.

Since one of them had to stay behind to handle any hollows, Rukia had insisted that she didn't feel like going to the beach and would stay at the house and rest.

So far she was regretting staying behind.

There were no Hollow attacks, and just a few hours ago a water pipe had burst so the Kurosaki residence was no longer receiving any water. She was hot and thirsty.

She was currently laying down on the couch watching a re-run of a soap opera she had already seen. Kimiko's foreign boyfriend, john, had just proven that he had not cheated during his trip to America , but then Shin revealed that Kimiko was the one that was really cheating, and that the one she was cheating with was her step brother ryuji…

She changed to the news…

Damn… she was so thirsty….

She decided to see if there were any beverages for her to partake of.

She headed towards the kitchen. When she arrived there she opened the fridge and looked around.

"Oh! Milk!" she exclaimed as she grabbed it.

She looked at it and realized that it had been spoiled for quite some time it was practically yellow…

"ewww…"

There was nothing else in the fridge…

She was feeling really thirsty now.

She began to wander around the house until she found herself in Ishin's room.

She had never been in here before. She looked around.

Rukia had expected it to be messier. But it looked as though most of the room was untouched…

The bed looked like no one had slept in it for a long time, this was further proofed by the blanket and pillow that were sprawled over the recliner in the corner of the room.

The room felt lonely.

Rukia looked at the desk on the other side of the room. On the desk sat a book that looked like it had been handled very thoroughly.

'_Kurosaki san must read it quite frequently'_

She moved over to the desk and picked up the book. She slid her hand over front and opened the cover. On the inside, written in neat hand writing, were the words;

'_Journal of Kurosaki Masaki'_

"This belonged to Ichigo's mother…" whispered Rukia.

Out of curiosity she flipped through some of the pages trying not to actually read them.

She still caught bits and pieces.

'_My precious son…'_

'…_Always wants to hold my hand…'_

'… _the twins…'_

'… _goofy goat chin…'_

Rukia arrived on the first bank page.

She was about to close the book when she noticed that there was some more writing on the inside of the back cover…

'_Masaki, I'll always love you…. And don't worry, I don't blame our little boy…_

_Love,_

_Ishin'_

Rukia quickly put the book down. She felt she would be crying if she wasn't already so thirsty.

She began to make her way out of the room, Feeling like she didn't belong in there.

She was about to exit when she spotted something.

* * *

Ichigo made his way down the street to his house. He had taken a bus back from the beach early so he could get away from his dad. He swore if he had to spend one more second with that stupid goat chin he would have gone ballistic. The idiot kept calling him a cheater if he so much as glanced in the direction of a girl.

"ICHIGO YOU BASTARD, YOU ALREADY HAVE RUKIA-CHAN!!!" he would yell with his stupid big mouth.

Ichigo sighed as he reached his house. He looked up at the starry sky shortly, before he entered the front door.

Ichigo looked around. It was dim most of the lights were off.

He flicked on the light and walked into the kitchen.

"Rukia?" he called.

There was no answer.

He began to search the house. Eventually he made his way upstairs.

"Rukia?" he called again.

"Ishiiigooo?" answered a slurred voice.

It came from the end of the hall.

He walked towards his dad's room and pushed open the door.

He saw Rukia laying sprawled on the floor with an old book in her hands.

….

He gaped at her. Frankly, she looked like crap. Her hair was mussed and she had bags under her eyes.

"What the hell? Rukia?" he asked.

She looked over at him slowly.

"Oh…. Ishigoo, you wash, was, a cwute baby…" Rukia slurred.

Ichigo rushed over to her.

"Hey what the hells the matter with you?" Ichigo demanded.

She pointed a wobbly finger to a discarded bottle on the floor.

"I wash, thushty so, so I drank ther water, and it burrneded…" she said

Ichigo picked up the bottle and inspected it. It said 'VODKA' in english letters.

Ichigo looked at her dumbfounded.

"How much of this did you drink?! THE WHOLE BOTTLE?!" he yelled.

Rukia nodded her head drunkenly wobbling a little.

Ichigo looked at the bottle and then back at the petite shinigami.

"Rukia! This is 90 Proof! You could have died from drinking this much alcohol!" He exclaimed

He picked her up and dragged her to the bathroom, where she promptly puked on him, herself, and the floor.

Ichigo groaned and left her in the bathroom for a moment. He returned topless with a new shirt for Rukia. He took off her soiled shirt and, while trying not to look too closely, replaced it with the new one.

He picked her up and carried her to his room, where he attempted to discard her on the bed.

But he couldn't get the now sleeping girl to let go of him. He sighed and decided to give up… he was tired too. He laid down on the bed with Rukia in his arms and drifted off to sleep.

***************

The next morning Rukia woke up slowly and opened her eyes to see that she was curled up against Ichigo. Although she was startled at first she recalled some of what happed the night before.

She sighed.

It wasn't so bad to wake up like this she thought.

That was, until she tried to sit up…

Her head felt like Kenpachi had slamed his sword into it repeatedly.

She yelped as she fell off the bed.

Rukia decided she would lay for a while…

The End.


	5. HERE'S SOME STUFF

THERE IS A STORY HERE!

MESSAGE TO THE READERS!

Ok if your wondering why there hasn't been an update in almost two weeks…

It because of College. Homework sucks…. I had two tests to study for and other stuffs to do.

Damn I miss just being a kid…

Anyway, I am writing a chapter right now. Its probably going to be a little longer than my other chapters so far…

(here is a little secret…. Byakuya's in it… and its Ichigo's turn to change the diapers apparently…)

It should be ready within a couple of days! So be on the lookout!

FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVENT READ MY FIRST STORY I'M RE-POSTING IT HERE NOW SO READ IT!!!

AND REVIEW MY OTHER CHAPTERS PLEASE!? IT GIVES ME MUCH BUBBLY SENSATIONS! I'M LONELY! GIVE ME SOME REVIEWS PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU! lol....

HERES TEH STORY!

Just a little idea i had for my first story. takes place near the beginning of the series. if you dont like it... well... sniff, SHUT UP!!! lol

(NEW) This story has been looked over and some minor corrections were made.

Disclamer: .... glares.... folds arms.... hmpf! i don't ow it! ok?!

Things That Go Bump in the Night

On a silent night in a house in karakura town, rested one Ichigo Kurosaki. He is currently laid out on his bed with one arm across his eyes and the other splayed out to his side. He was trying to overcome his sore back, which he gained from fighting with Hollows over the last few days.

Ichigo sighed as he put aside the thoughts on his new shinigami powers and the fact that there were giant, retarded, masked, fools running around somewhere in the world attempting to gobble up souls. He rolled over and closed his eyes, and after a few minutes began to drift off into the magical universe that would smooth his furrowed brow and ease his worries….

And then, just as Ichigo was about to drift over the edge of that wonderful abyss… "SNNGRROOHAGH-FFFGHRAGGGHH!!"

He hears the most horrendous sound he as ever heard in his life. His eyes immediately snap open and he rockets up to a shins-and-elbows position on his bed, covering himself with his blanket. Ichigo peeked his eyes out from under his covers and inspected his room for the source of the, most assuredly, Hideous monster that must be lurking his room preparing to devour him whole….

Ichigo sees nothing out of the ordinary, when suddenly,

"SNNGRROOHAGH-FFFGHRAGGGHH!!"

The monster roared again with it's, most assuredly, acrid maw. Ichigo shivered at the sound, it made a hollow's scream sound like a little kitten mewling off in the distance. After he overcame the urge to soil himself, Ichigo's eyes stared toward his closet. '_fuck, its coming from the closet'_ he thought.

"SNNGRROOHAGH-FFFGHRAGGGHH!!"

"SHIT!!" ichigo exclaimed, ducking, once again, under his covers like a pussy. After a few seconds, ichigo decided that he didn't like being a little bitch, and got out of this bed very slowly. Now standing he faced the closet gulping and summoning all of his courage and badass-nes, he was a little lacking in badass, but he was still gonna do it.

'step'

He took a step

"SNNGRROOHAGH-FFFGHRAGGGHH!!"

He froze and cringed in fear at the horrible sound…

Silence…

'step' 'step'

"SNNGRROOHAGH-FFFGHRAGGGHH!!"

'cringe'

'Step'

He took a few steps toward the closet. The darkness seemingly closing in around him…

"SNNGRROOHAGH-FFFGHRAGGGHH!!"

'step' 'step'

He began to feel as though hands were reaching out of the shadows, groping at him…

'Step'

"SNNGRROOHAGH-FFFGHRAGGGHH!!"

'step' 'step'

He reached the closet.

He reached out with his hand toward the handle….

"SNNGRROOHAGH-FFFGHRAGGGHH!!"

He paused and retracted his hand a bit… then he grabbed the handle and slid the door open.

'OH MY GOD!'

'IT…'

'ITS….'

'Its… Rukia?!'

"SNNGRROOHAGH-FFFGHRAGGGHH!!"

The sound was coming from the combination of her mouth and nasal cavity….

Ichigo face-palmed.

"SNNGRROOHAGH-FFFGHRAGGGHH!!"

Ichgo slid his hand down his face and stared at her. He reached out and pinched her nose.

"SNN-chrr-kragh-nrraghh"

He held her nose till she made a small, cute, noise of protest, then he let go. He blushed at the noise and backed away a bit.

He sighed, He was sure he was going to open the door to find some Hideous creature, but it was only Rukia. He looked down at her and smiled. Rukia looked kind of cute in her sleep.

"Ichigo…" whispered Rukia.

She mumbled something else in her sleep. Ichigo bent down to get a better listen.

…

He waited…

"SNNGRROOHAGH-FFFGHRAGGGHH!!"

"ARGH!!", Ichigo yelled jumping up and covering his ear in pain.

"SNNGRROOHAGH-FFFGHRAGGGHH!!"

Ichigo glowered down at her. He took a sock out of his drawer and stuffed it in her mouth…

"Ghrk-fherrrwg…"

It was much quieter. Ichigo nodded his head in satisfaction and went to bed.

* * *

The next morning

Ichigo was rudely awoken from his sleep by thumping noises from his closet.

"Mmf?"

"MMREFF?!"

"HROPTWAAH"

"What the hell is this!??!?" yelled Rukia.

Ichigo smirked and rolled over…

THE END

So how did you like it? this story made me rotflol. reviews please, it might make me write another story!!!! PLEASE!!!!!

now lets bounce to da isounz!


	6. Chap 5 Spending Time With OniChan!

WOW ITS DONE! I FINNALY GOT ENOUGH TIME TO FINNISH IT!

Ok so as much as I want to blame this delay on homework. I cant do that completely. I mean there's been Final Fantasy XIII to play! And also theres still Star Ocean: the last Hope to play as well. Sorry it took me so long hope you enjoy!

CHAPTER 5: Hanging Out With Oni-chan

A/N: THIS TAKES PLACE RIGHT AFTER THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER. Also, for the fangirls (or fanboys), byakuya appears at last!

Once again Ichigo felt an ominous presence waking him up.

He nervously opened his eyes and almost imploded with shock as he saw Kuchiki Byakuya, dressed in a business suit, standing next to his bed, looming over him.

He also noticed Rukia's feet popping up from the side of the bed. (from when she fell off the bed)

He looked from Rukia's cute little feet to the not-so-cute face of the angry elder Kuchiki. He could see the veins pounding in Byakuya's forehead.

"…. uh, good morning?…" said Ichigo lamely.

"Kurosaki Ichigo. What are you doing with my sister?"

"Er… um… sleeping, with… her…" Ichigo said before he paled, immediately realizing that was NOT the wisest statement he ever made.

The sudden burst of spiritual energy that came from the squad captain caused some of the smaller objects in Ichigo's room to defy gravity and slowly drift upwards from where they rested. It also awoke the previously dreaming Rukia.

"Ichigo… its your turn to change the diapers…" she said groggily, obliterating Byakuya's passive expression as both he and Ichigo gaped at her.

"…. what the hell were you dreaming about…." asked Ichigo, as he regained control of his jaw.

He then lost control of it again.

"OH GOD- she was just dreaming…" said Byakuya, with a relieved tone.

Ichigo gaped at the amount of emotion that the elder Kuchiki had just showed.

His amazement soon turned to indignation.

"Hey wait! Are you saying that Rukia having a kid with me would be a bad thing!?" He yelled.

"Of course" said byakuya dryly.

"ARGH! You Bastard! Why would it be so bad!?"

Byakuya quirked an eyebrow.

"I highly doubt that some one of your caliber is even _potent_." sniped Byakuya.

"ARE YOU CALLING ME IMPOTENT?! WHAT!? I'LL KILL YOU! YOU BASTARD!" Ichigo roared as he lunged at Byakuya.

He suddenly yelped in pain as the top of Rukia's head smashed into his jaw, when she had jumped up to stop them from fighting.

Ichigo fell backwards and his head smashed into the wall behind him, knocking him out.

"…" Byakuya blinked.

"…oops…" said Rukia sweat-dropping.

* * *

20 MINUTES LATER

One Kurosaki and two Kuchikis were sitting Japanese court style in the living room of the Kurosaki residence.

Ichigo and Rukia were seated nervously, (well one was nervous and the other was angry with an aching skull) on one side of the coffee table and Byakuya was resting stoically on the other side.

….

Byakuya sipped the tea that Ichigo had made for them.

'Slurp'

Rukia sipped hers.

'Slurp'

Byakuya took another sip.

'slurp'

Rukia took another sip.

'Slurp'

Ichigo took a big gulp of his tea…

'_ARGHHHHH! FUCK! THAT BURNS!!!!_' screamed Ichigo in his head.

Of course he didn't say that out loud…

Byakuya quirked an eyebrow at Ichigo and smirked.

SUDENLY

Ishin Kurosaki decimated the awkward silence.

"ICHIGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - OHHHHHH? WHO IS THIS!?"

Before Ichigo could say something, Rukia stood up nervously.

"Oh Kurosaki-san-"

Ishin gave her the look…

"Uh, I mean, Uncle Ishin… This is my Older brother Kuchiki Byakuya."

Ishin inspected Byakuya.

Byakuya nodded slightly at Ishin and proceeded to take another sip of his tea.

"hmmm… SO YOUR ASKING FOR RUKIA'S HAND IN MARIAGE!?" Squealed Ishin.

Ichigo and Byakuya nearly choked on their scalding beverages.

"WHAT!?" Yelled Ichigo, while Byakuya looked as if he had been demoted from captain and sent to be 200th seat in Squad Four.

Rukia merely opened and closed her mouth repeatedly, while looking back and fourth between her brother and Ishin.

"NO!" Yelled Ichigo, as he stood up.

But Ishin ignored him, and ran over to the poster of Misaki.

"MISAKI! WERE GOING TO HAVE A NEW DAUGHTER! AND SOON WE WILL HAVE GRANDCHILDERN! YAY!!!!!!"

Ichigo looked at Byakuya who was gawking at Ishin like he had just eaten Rukia.

Suddenly Ishin grabbed him and Byakuya and Shoved them out the front door.

"You cant see Rukia until the wedding! It's bad luck!" Ishin said as he slammed the door.

"You idiot that's only ON the wedding day!" yelled Ichigo as Byakuya exclaimed, "That does not go for the brother as well!"

…

They both stared at the door.

"So…" said Ichigo slowly, "Uh, what are you here for…"

Byakuya slowly turned his head to look at Ichigo

…

* * *

A FEW MINUTES LATER

"So, you came to have me and Rukia show you around the living world, huh?" asked Ichigo.

"That is correct." stated Byakuya.

Ichigo and the squad captain were currently walking down the street, somehow not noticing the girls (and some effeminate men) that were bumping into poles and walls around them.

"Well since Rukia's busy canceling a wedding and probably fighting of a hoard of dress designers that my father called over, I guess I'll have to show you around." said Ichigo.

Byakuya nodded.

They walked for a bit.

They came upon a man being surrounded by a group of thugs.

"Crap." said Ichigo as one of the thugs grabbed the man by his shirt.

Byakuya stepped forward.

"What! You got a problem pretty boy?" said one of the thugs to Byakuya.

"Scatter, Senbonzakura…" said Byakuya coolly.

The thugs and the man stared at him as nothing happened.

Even the crickets weren't chirping.

"Uh, Byakuya, the gigai…" whispered Ichigo, only loud enough for Byakuya to hear.

"What the fuck?" asked one of the thugs.

"I don't know, the guys crazy…" said another.

"Yeah, this weirdo ruined my buzz, lets get out of here." said another of the thugs.

The gang wandered off.

…

Ichigo could have sworn that Byakuya's cheeks were more flushed than usual.

"Ok…" said Ichigo, breaking the silence.

"Let's move on, shall we?" said Ichigo.

* * *

"Right so that's what pizza tastes like." said Ichigo

Byakuya nodded.

"It was quite an interesting experience. I'll have to ask the Science Division to research this creation." Said Byakuya.

'_Or you could get a cook book' _thought Ichigo.

"Well," began Byakuya, "I must be off now."

"Oh, well, later then…" said Ichigo as they went separate ways.

* * *

ICHIGO RETURNES HOME

Ichigo yawned as he entered the front door.

He opened his eye's and almost choked on the air.

Standing in front of him was Rukia dressed in a flattering white dress that that ended a little above her knees. The dress had a white silk sash that wrapped around her waist and trailed down to the floor.

Ichigo gawked.

"You like it Ichigo?" Said Ishin who was standing behind Rukia.

"We decided to go with a more cutesy dress rather than the traditional long trailing kind." Stated Ishin proudly.

"B-but, dad we're not getting married!" stuttered Ichigo.

"Oh I know," said Ishin, "Rukia just wanted to try one out, so offered to buy her one if she agreed to my little deal! So, go on Rukia-chan!" Said Ishin excitedly.

Rukia blushed deeply and bowed her head slightly.

"W-welcome home, D-darling!" Rukia said embarrassedly.

Ishin Kurosaki cackled loudly as he ran off with a video camera.

The only one more surprised than Ichigo, was Kon, who had come out just in time to see Rukia's actions.

If it were physically possible, Kon would have spontaneously exploded on the spot.

Ichigo meanwhile was once again trying not to suffocate on plain air.

THE END.

REVIEWS!!!! THEY GIVE ME STRENGTH!!!!!!!!!! THEIR GRRRRRRRRRRRRREAT!!!!!!!!!

THE KITTENS NEED THEM!!!! REVIEW PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	7. VOTE!

HELLO! MY DEAR LOYAL FANS!!!! (your at least loyal if your one of the cool kids…)

NO THIS IS NOT THE NEXT EXCITING CHAPTER IN MY STORY… BUT DO NOT DESPAIR, FOR I INTEND TO WRITE IT SOON!!!!

BUT ALAS! THIS ALL DEPENDS ON YOU!!! THE GREAT AND MIGHTY READER!

IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO VISIT MY PROFILE AND VOTE IN MY NEW POLL! THE KITTEN DEMANDS IT!

YOUR VOTES WILL EXPEDITE MY WRITING OF THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!!

SO PLEASE VOTE!

YOURS TRULY,

THE EVER AWESOME CELCEES!

PS: I BELIEVE I USED THE WORD EXPEDITE CORRECTLY…. VOTE!


	8. Chapter 6: SEX! KNOW THE DANGERS!

CHAPTER 6: SEX! KNOW THE DANGERS!

HELLO! Yes, yes I am alive… I know. I KNOW! IT'S BEEN FOREVER! The kittens are very angry with me… I have been trying to avoi- AH SHIT THERE THEY ARE! *_runs for life_* MROWR! *_hoard of adorable kittens tackles author to the ground_* ARGH! OH GOD! STOP! NO MR. FLUFFLES! NOT THE FACE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

DISCLAIMER: Mreow meow mew mow! (_the author is DEAD! Therefore he owns NOTHING!_)

It was a beautiful sunny day in Karakura town. And it is on this day that three individuals have gathered to shop and hang out.

Ichigo sighed in boredom as he walked with his hands in his pockets. Walking along his right was Kuchiki Rukia. But this was not the normal Kuchiki Rukia who always wore dresses, no. THIS was a Rukia who wore CUTE SHORTS AND A TANKTOPS!

Ichigo resisted the urge to bash his head into the concrete side walk that he was on. He had to get a grip! This was still Rukia!

'This is all that idiots fault!' thought Ichigo angrily.

**MROWR! (FLASHBACK!)**

"…" _Rukia gawked at the clothes in Yuzu's closet._

_Her usual choices were missing._

"_hmm, guess I'll have to wear something else…" she said to herself._

_She quickly dressed and went to wait at the bottom of the stairs._

"_ICHIGO! HURRY YOUR UP! YOU TAKE LONGER THAN A GIRL! ", she yelled up the stairs._

_Ichigo began to make his way to the stairs._

"_Shut up midget, I'll be down when I feel like it…" Said Ichigo as he left his room._

_He was about to descend the steps when he laid eyes on Rukia._

"_Wha- ARGH!" screamed Ichigo as he slipped and rolled down the stairs._

_He came to a crashing stop at the bottom right next to Rukia who laughed at his apparent clumsiness._

_She was wearing pink denim shorts that ended mid thigh and had yellow stars on each of the back pockets. She also had on a simple white cotton tank top that left a thin strip of pale skin showing above her waistband._

"_HAHA Stupid idiot! Can't even use stairs properly!" laughed Rukia who had no idea as to the reason for Ichigo's distress._

_Ichigo just groaned._

**MROWREW! (END FLASHBACK!)**

'It was probably that stupid goat chin that hid Rukia's usual clothes' Ichigo thought.

He used his badass eyes yet another idiot who was- uh, let's say they were admiring the stars on Rukia's backside.

Said idiot was lucky he didn't burst into flames at Ichigo's intense glare, he merely got off with some shitting of his pants.

So far Ichigo's victories over the pervs included; shitting ones pants, wetting one's self in public, crying for ones mommy, and mental breakdown and mumbling in the fetal position.

Rukia, however was oblivious to the casualties left in Ichigo's wake.

Ichigo was kinda pissed that his glares had little effect on the pineapple-headed baboon that was trailing behind them with his optics firmly locked onto the petit shinigami's posterior .

The reason that Renji was forced to walk so far behind Ichigo and Rukia, was that he was, once again, wearing those damn hippie clothes of his.

Stupid bandana.

Stupid vest.

And WHERE THE HELL did he get those bell-bottom jeans!

And other people were starting to notice the red-heads strange attire.

"OMG! Look at that guy. He's dressed like he's from the 70s or something." Said one random teenage girl.

"Yeah. He probably believes in, like, free love and stuff!" said another.

"OMG! I bet he's got, like, an STD, or something…" said yet another.

Rukia and Renji over herd this and turned toward Ichigo, who dread the coming question.

"What's STD?" they both asked in unison.

Ichigo sighed.

"It's an acronym." He said plainly and began walking again.

Rukia and Renji remained where they stood for a few second with blank faces.

Then they rushed after Ichigo.

"What the hell? That doesn't tell us anything! What's an STD?" demanded Rukia, Renji nodding his head behind her.

"Well its, you know, like AIDS or something… " he said avoiding the specifics.

He began to walk faster.

Rukia sped right up after him.

"Damn it, another acronym? What the hell is AIDS!" she yelled as Ichigo began to run away from her.

"ARGH! Quit following me! I don't know you!" Ichigo shouted as he sprinted full tilt.

"What do you mean? I LIVE with you!" said Rukia as she chased after him.

They passed a pair of old ladies.

"Oh my, did you hear that? Those two youngsters are living in sin!" said one.

"Oh yes, and he already gave her AIDS." Said the other.

"ARGH! DAMNIT STOP CHAISING ME IM NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU THE ANSEWER!" screamed Ichigo.

"NO! NOT UNTIL YOU GIVE ME AIDS!" Rukia yelled.

Needles to say, Ichigo was mortified by her choice of words.

He stumbled over his feet, tripped, and slammed into a lamp post face first.

The world around them became eerily silent as the people around them stopped and turned slowly towards them.

Rukia was getting freaked out by the attention she had drawn and decide to run away.

"Uh, later Ichigo!" she said before she dashed off.

Everybody was now gawking at Ichigo who was rendered unrecognizable by the profuse amount of blood pouring from his nose.

"Er…" began Ichigo

Then mass panic ensued.

"OH MY GOD HE'S BLEEDING AND HE HAS AIDS!" some one yelled.

"HOLY SHIT! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

It was total chaos after that.

**MROW! MEOW! (LATER AT THE KUROSAKI RESIDENCE)**

Ichigo, Ishin, and Rukia were sitting in the living room watching TV when the news came on.

"_Earlier today, an unknown individual was maliciously attempting to infect innocent by standers with AIDS…" _ said a reporter.

"Oh that's terrible," began Ishin, "I'm glad you two are safe; can't have you guys catching AIDS before you conceive my grandchildren!"

Ichigo punched him in the face and got up off the couch.

"hmm, I still wonder what an STD is…" said Rukia.

Ichigo picked up an encyclopedia from a nearby shelf.

"LOOK IT UP, DAMN IT!" he yelled as he chucked the book at Rukia before he stormed up stairs.

THE END

I SHALL TRY TO KEEP WRITING! SO REVIEW TO HELP GIVE ME SOME ENERGY!

OH YEAH I WAS REVIEVED BY A NECROMANCER WHO SUMMONED ZOBIES TO FIGHT OF THE HOARD OF ADORABLE KITTENS.

LATERS!

….

BITCHES!


End file.
